Ask Emily: Cease and desist, please
By Mark Bailey on Sep. 23, 2009
Dear Emily: I am really excited that my boyfriend, “Tom,” of seven months asked me to move in with him. I immediately said yes without thinking some of the details through. And there is one very important detail I overlooked—Tom is not exactly divorced yet from his wife. They are in the middle of the whole legal process, and this is definitely something both Tom and his ex want, but there just doesn’t seem to be an end in sight as far as when the divorce will be official. Can you think of any good reason why I shouldn’t move in with him anyway?
—Deliberating over details
Dear Deliberating over details:I can think of several. First, how certain are you that this divorce is wanted equally by both members? Because if it’s not quite as amicable as you believe, things could get ugly. Do you really want to put yourself in the middle of such a dispute? Second, like it or not, you would be moving in with a married man and people will talk. You may feel like you don’t care about such things now, but I’m sure that that kind of attention can have its toll on a person. Finally, your boyfriend is probably going though a lot right now emotionally. Even if he wants this divorce, it has to weigh on him that his marriage failed. Perhaps it’s best to give Tom the time he needs to deal with this. Bottom line—why not wait a bit? Divorces can take a long time, but if this relationship is meant to be, then waiting to take it to the next level shouldn’t make a difference.
Dear Emily: I am a freshman in high school and have made some really cool friends. But there is this group of girls who keep making fun of me and saying things about me under their breath whenever I walk by. I never did anything to them so I don’t know why they are so mean to me. And the thing is, they seem to be mean to a lot of people. How do I get them to leave me alone?
– I hate bullies
Dear I hate bullies: As you say, these girls are mean to a lot of people, not just you. That is what makes them bullies. As such, you can handle them as you would any bully: ignore them or fight back. By ignoring them, hopefully they’ll get tired of teasing you and move on. You’ll come across bullies all your life, even as an adult, and sometimes just not paying them any mind is very effective. The other option is to stand up for yourself. Tell these girls to grow up and stop making fun of other people just to so they can make themselves feel better. Now, with this option comes risk. Be prepared that these girls won’t leave you alone after this, but rather focus their attention even more in your direction. But if you can handle it—go for it. Bullies need to be taught a lesson.
Dear Emily: Please settle a dispute between my friend and me. She swears that when you are invited to someone’s house for a party to celebrate a specific occasion, you shouldn’t go without a gift, even if the invitation specifically asks guests not to bring presents. I say it’s rude not to do what the host requests. Who is right?
– Etiquette snob
Dear Etiquette snob: Congratulations, you have won this argument. It is proper to do what the host requests in this case. If you don’t, you risk making the other guests uncomfortable who didn’t bring anything. Not to mention the host will then be obligated to open the gift in front of you, taking her away from her party duties (which she clearly didn’t want). If you hate going someplace empty-handed, you could ask ahead of time if there is a food item you could bring or a bottle of wine. Or, if you really want to give the host a gift for the occasion, do it the day before or after the party.
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