Ask Emily: Turn the other cheek
By Susan Pugh on Jul. 23, 2008
Dear Emily: I found out the other day from a co-worker that a guy in the office, “Terrance,” was going around telling people I asked him out on a date, and he turned me down. I am really angry because this never happened. Terrance is an arrogant loser, and I would never ask him out. I want people to know the truth, but I’m afraid they won’t believe me. Should I spread another rumor that it wasn’t true?
- Outraged over rumor
Dear Outraged over rumor: There is a very straightforward quote by American author and entrepreneur, Brian Koslow, that you should consider: “Never make negative comments or spread rumors about anyone. It depreciates their reputation and yours.” Terrance spread this rumor for some reason, whether to make him look good, to feel better about himself or maybe to get your attention. Whatever the reason isn’t important because office gossip isn’t important. If you want to distance yourself from such lies, don’t stoop to other people’s levels and spread more gossip (even if it is true). Refuse to be part of such behavior by not spreading or listening to what people have to say. People will respect you for this and will soon ignore what others may be whispering about you behind your back. The results of this approach may not seem speedy enough for you at first, but they certainly will be long-lasting.
Dear Emily: One of my friends used to date this girl, “Anna,” whom I’ve always liked. When they stopped seeing each other (it was never that serious), I asked her out. We’ve been out a few times, mostly going to parties where all of our friends go. While I really like this girl, she comes across really hot and cold with me. It seems like every time there are other guys around, like the one she used to date, she is all over me. I’m afraid she’s playing games and just using me to make other guys jealous. How do I find out if she is really into me?
- Not into playing games
Dear Not into playing games: Your solution is quite simple. Go out alone with Anna without these other guys around. If, on your other dates, she was only using you to make people jealous, you should notice a change in behavior when it’s just the two of you. If she is “cold,” as you put it, perhaps she isn’t really into you. If on the other hand, she is more receptive, maybe the problem isn’t that she doesn’t like you but just that she has a hard time being herself when other people are around. Try a few of these more intimate dates and then re-evaluate the situation. If you aren’t happy with the results, it may be time to sit down with Anna and ask her straight out how she truly feels.
Dear Emily: My girlfriend quit her part-time job a few weeks ago because she had plans to accept a better, full-time position she was offered. Unfortunately, she didn’t take this better job because it turned out it wasn’t at all what she expected. Now she is unemployed and asks to borrow money from me constantly. I am saving for college and don’t have extra cash to be giving her all the time, but she is really sensitive and I don’t want to hurt her feelings. How do I explain to her that I’m not her personal ATM?
- Breaking the Bank
Dear Breaking the Bank: Neither one of you has money to burn, and you need to make that obvious to your girlfriend. The next time you go out on a date, don’t suggest dinner and a movie; ask your girlfriend if she’d mind just renting one to save some money since you’re trying to save for school. And when you’re both out somewhere and feeling hungry, recommend going to one of your houses for some food, rather than spending money you don’t have at a restaurant. A few subtle suggestions like these will hopefully give your girlfriend the hint. If it doesn’t, you’ll just have to spell it out for her. I know you want to spare her feelings, but it is unacceptable to take advantage of someone else’s generosity, and this is a lesson your girlfriend should know by now.
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