Ask Emily: Play the waiting game
By Casey Gillis on May. 29, 2008
Dear Emily: My parents have been married for almost 20 years, and they’re experiencing a rough patch right now. I know they love each other very much, but things aren’t great at the moment, and they are having some really wild fights. Well, I’ve been dating this guy “Tom” for a few months now and would really like to bring him home for the first time next weekend to meet my parents. But with the current situation, I’m worried how they’ll behave in front of Tom. (They don’t seem to care who is around to witness the fighting.) Should I warn Tom about the potential war zone he might be entering, or pray that my parents are on their best behavior?
- Feuding Family
Dear Feuding Family: How about option C: Don’t bring your boyfriend home quite yet. It’s great that you like this guy well enough to take the next step, and even better that you are close enough with your parents to want them part of your life. But you need to be more sensitive to their situation right now. Forcing them to put on a show and act “normal” for a stranger would probably be a bit too stressful for them at the moment. If you want everyone to meet, why don’t you arrange to have lunch or dinner at a restaurant? This way your parents don’t have to go to the trouble of entertaining a guest, and everyone can just enjoy a good meal and (hopefully) good conversation in a limited timeframe.
Dear Emily: I have a job at an advertising firm where people work in teams to get an assignment done. Within those teams, everyone is usually assigned a certain task. But when the final project is presented to management, it is presented as a team effort. One of my co-workers, however, constantly points out to management what she specifically does on the project, as if to say her part is more important. It’s like she wants to take credit for her part and not the blame for the others. But this is not being a team player and is hurting morale. I’m wondering if I should go over her head and complain about her to our boss.
- Touchy teammate
Dear Touchy teammate: If you go over your teammate’s head, aren’t you also showing that you are not a team player? Better try to work this problem out within the group. Talk to this rogue co-worker of yours, and find out why she is behaving this way. Maybe she feels there are slackers in the group, who aren’t pulling their weight. If so, that is a problem you all can work on fixing. Or perhaps she is just a glory hog. If that is the case and she refuses to change, you could suggest to the group that you change the structure of the team and start presenting parts of the project as individuals.
Dear Emily: My friend “Geoff” is really competitive over everything - whose football team is better, whose car is faster, whose salary is higher, etc. But now I started dating a girl, whom I really like, and Geoff started saying things about how his girlfriend is hotter and smarter. I find this really degrading to my girlfriend (even though he never says these things in front of her), and wish he’d stop. I don’t want to make a big deal over it though and start a fight, so how can I get him to back off?
- Refuse to rival
Dear Refuse to rival: Well, it certainly sounds like you won the competition for who is a better friend. Competition can tear a friendship apart, especially when one party isn’t interested in playing games. So start by ignoring Geoff when he makes these comments. Change the subject immediately, and hope he gets the hint. If he doesn’t, just simply tell Geoff you like this girl and don’t want him saying anything mean about her. You don’t need to confront him and make a big deal about it; just tell him straight out how you feel and be done with it.
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