Ask Emily: Imitation not flattery, but lack of self-esteem
By Susan Pugh on Nov. 12, 2008
Dear Emily: My really good friend, Fran, always has to have whatever I have. When I go shopping at a great store, she immediately goes shopping there the next day. If I buy the latest and greatest cell phone, she gets the same one. And when I sold my car and bought a Hybrid — you guessed it — she did, too. Maybe I should be flattered, but her behavior is starting to irritate me. We’ve been friends for over a year, but her copying me has intensified over the last couple of months. How do I approach her about this? I don’t want to upset her, but I don’t want her to copy every move I make either!
— Don’t need a clone
Dear Don’t need a clone: Unless you are a Hollywood celebrity, the idea of people copying every move you make can be a little bit disturbing. And while it is flattering to know that your friend values your opinion, it certainly would be a lot more comforting to know that she has some of her own. Perhaps Fran has some self-esteem issues, and she relies on you to make decisions for her. You can help your friend by reminding her of her good qualities and copying her once in awhile. If she feels more secure about her own self-worth, she may not feel the need to copy you. If this doesn’t work, explain to Fran that you’ve noticed this pattern of imitating, and then help Fran find her own style. This will let Fran know that her behavior is bothering you, but it will also show that you care about her, as you try to help her grow as a person.
Dear Emily: I am 27 years old and have a nephew, Geoff, who is 16. We have been always close and joke how I am more like a friend to him than an uncle. Well, Geoff sent me an e-mail the other day about how his band (made up of some school friends) is going to play at a college party in a few weeks, and he didn’t want to tell his mom (my sister) about it because she would never let him go. Now I don’t know what to do. Geoff is at an age where he could get in a lot of trouble going to a college party, if you know what I mean. But he is also at an age where he needs people in his life he can confide in. So should I tell my sister, or keep being the cool, laid-back uncle?
— Stuck in the middle
Dear Stuck in the middle: What is the point of being the cool uncle and having your nephew confide in you if you don’t do anything with the information you get? Sure, he’ll keep confiding in you if you don’t tattle on him, but that won’t keep him from danger in the current situation. If there is a chance your nephew could get mixed up in drinking, doing drugs or any other crazy things that college kids are doing these days, then you have an obligation to keep him safe. Tell your nephew that he needs to tell his mom about the party before you do. This approach may allow you to keep some of your cool status, as you are at least giving him the chance to do the right thing, rather than you just going behind his back and telling his mom in a sneaky fashion.
Dear Emily: I hang out with a bunch of different cliques at school, and usually my friends from one group don’t socialize with my friends from the other group. But last month I had two of my friends over at my house, “Pam,” who I play softball with, and “Lisa,” who I am in the drama club with. I considered these two my closest friends and thought it would be nice if they got to know each other and become friends, too. Well, they did, and now they hang out without me. They get along really well, and I feel left out. How can I make things go back the way they were?
— Third wheel
Dear Third wheel: No amount of wishful thinking can turn back time or undo what has already been done. So, rather than wallowing in your misery, make the best of the situation. Be glad that your two friends get along, and look for opportunities to hang out with both of them together. They may do things without you, but don’t you do things without them as well? And isn’t it more fun to hang out with both of them at the same time than individually? Keep focusing on the positive and enjoy the fact that you brought these two friends together.
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